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Absolute Zero

Now is the worst time.
The cat lies on my bed and knows something is wrong but does not know how to help.
This has been growing on me.
The crippling fog that's feet, miles deep, has returned.
It affects everything.
My confidence.
My ability to do anything.
To be successful in any way.
To write (this is the worst) because I cannot focus or concentrate.

I can't feel. I don't feel a thing.

I can't tell anyone.

There is no one to tell. There is no one to tell because I am not in anyone's life. My life does not matter to another's. I know this because they would be in my life.

There is no tomorrow. Nor the day after nor next week or next month or next year. Just one endless horizon without an edge.
I have no future. I can't a find a job for myself that follows my passions and is not blue collar despite my qualifications. I am a wreck. Always against myself. And I come across as infantile, incapable.

I can't feel a future, I can't think one, I can't even plan what I can do in my free time anymore. I can't even make a plan to buy xmas cards.
I barely talk to a soul.
I've slipped back into this dreaded place and I don't know how to combat it.
I can't anymore. I have been trying all my life. The downs far, far outweigh any ups. There are barely any ups. Barely a day I don't feel awful inside. Vacant. Vacuous. Sad. Unable to verbally articulate myself.
But it is getting too much now. I am blocked in every single way, it feels like something, me or the  universe, cannot let me be, does not want me to be.
I feel like the universe does not want me to be.

I have lost many friends this year. Supporters have gone out of my life. I have no community. No purpose. My writing is not good enough. I am not good enough. I can't be taken seriously. I am tired of being told I am not good enough.

 I only feel absolute zero.
I am dreading tomorrow. And the next day and the one after and the one after that.

I don't want it anymore. No more days.


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